Elimidate: Middle Earth, Episode Two
by Scarlett Moonchild
Summary: Aragorn goes on Elimidate to choose a woman. Catfight between Arwen and Eowyn, Surprise cameos! Funny! :) (COMPLETE)
1. Chapter One: Wink Wink Nudge Nudge

ELIMIDATE: MIDDLE EARTH – EPISODE TWO

RATHER LONG A/N: For those of you who aren't familiar with Elimidate, it's a dating show, where either a girl or a guy is paired up with four, count 'em, FOUR members of the opposite sex. They all go out on a date together, and one by one, they are eliminated (elimiDATED?) until there is just one girl and one guy. At various points throughout the show, the camera catches the players by themselves one at a time, and they tell how things are going, without the others hearing. Those conversations are denoted with . It gets reallllly catty at times…especially when there are four women!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own and I am in no way affiliated with either LOTR or Elimidate. I'm just a girl who happens to be stuck on both and likes to combine them in weird ways…(Shameless Plug Alert! – Go back and r/r Episode One where Rosie Cotton goes out with Sam, Frodo, Merry and Pippin, if you haven't already.) Please review!

Chapter One: Round One – "Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge, Say No More"

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: 1-2-3-4, Elimidate! We return to Middle Earth, where the future king of Men must choose between four girls. Who will go on to the next round, and who will be Elimidated? Find out!

Aragorn, standing at the edge of Fangorn Forest, looks around curiously. "Who said that?" he wonders aloud. "Oh well." He shrugs and turns toward the video camera that is sitting, unmanned, on a tripod in the middle of the clearing. Apparently, he does not find this odd, for he begins to talk to it.

"I'm Aragorn, and I'm the heir to the throne of Gondor. I'm also over eighty years old. Yes, I know I'm way too hot to be eighty, but my kind age slowly. Anyway, it's time for me to settle down and think about running the kingdom of Men. Maybe I'll find the right girl for me today." He leans against an old tree to wait.

The camera shows a beautiful elf maiden, with long dark hair, done up with a sparkly Evenstar emblem, and big starry eyes approaching. She is wearing a long sparkly white gown that drags the grass behind her. "I'm Arwen Evenstar," she says to the camera. "I've been engaged to Aragorn since he was young, but we had to break it off during the War. I'm sure he will want to pick up where we left off, so there will be no competition."

Arwen sneaks up behind Aragorn, who is smoking his pipe and trying to make one of those neat ship shapes with his smoke like Gandalf does. She suddenly pulls out a dagger and holds it to his throat. "What's this?" she whispers menacingly, "a ranger caught off his guard?"

Aragorn manages to wriggle free. "By the Valar, Arwen! MUST you do that every time I don't see you coming?"

Arwen giggles. "It's as much my trademark as the Evenstar you wear around your neck." Suddenly she stiffens. "Wait. Where is it? Why have you taken it off?"

Aragorn to camera: Uh-oh!

Aragorn shuffles his feet and looks at the ground. "We-ell…I thought your father was breaking us up, so I went on this dating show to find me another woman. Wait! Are you on this show too?"

Arwen blushes. "Actually, yes. For the same reason you are…only not to find me a woman. At least not today." She winks and leaves him to think about that. He stares at her with his mouth open.

The camera cuts to another beautiful woman who has walked up in the meantime. This woman is blonde, and a human, and she wears a brown soft leather dress with bone accents. "My name is Eowyn of the Rohirrim, niece of King Theoden. I've had my eye on Aragorn for a long time, and today I will be proud to make him mine at last!"

Eowyn walks up to where Arwen and Aragorn are standing. Aragorn is still staring at Arwen. "You mean you've…?" he begins…then he turns to see Eowyn. "Eowyn! You are also on this show?" He looks from one to the other, then back again.

Aragorn to camera (with a thumb's up, "Wayne's World"-style): Eeeexcellent! 

Eowyn smiles as Arwen looks her up and down with a catty look on her face. "Hello, Lord Aragorn. It's wonderful to see you again, you are looking well."

Aragorn breaks into a smile. "You're looking even more beautiful than when last I saw you."

Arwen just gapes at him.

Arwen to camera: All right, I KNOW he just didn't!!!!! (head roll, snaps fingers)

Eowyn to camera (cracking knuckles): I don't know what is going on with that hair, but I hope she is prepared to fight…I have never lost a battle!

A young hobbit lass walks toward the camera…trips over a root and falls…gets back up…trips over a rock…steadies herself…then bumps into the camera. "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm so clumsy…it's in the blood, you know. I'm Daisy Took, and I'm a seamstress by profession. I'm just hoping to get drunk tonight! I even brought my "Lucky Tankard!"

Daisy strolls toward the spot where Eowyn and Arwen are on opposite sides of Aragorn, looking each other over. She bumps her head on a low-lying branch, and somehow manages to fall straight into Aragorn's arms, knocking him over and landing on top of him. "Oh, my, I am sorry! My name is Daisy Took and I'm impossibly clumsy!"

Eowyn sniffs. "I'll say."

Eowyn to camera: It was obvious that she was trying to make a move on Aragorn. It was all staged!

Arwen to camera: Ew! She has hair on her toes!

Aragorn smiles and brushes himself off. "No harm done." Daisy begins to help brush him off. Since she's eye-level with his butt, she spends more time on it, making sure every dust particle is, um, pinched off.

"Hey!" Arwen grabs her off of Aragorn. "None of that!"

Daisy manages to look sheepish.

Daisy to camera: Now THAT was staged!

Meanwhile, the fourth and final date, a she-dwarf with a long black beard and big bushy black eyebrows has approached the camera and introduced herself as Helga the Hairy. "I'm a traveling mercenary-for-hire. And I carry a big, sharp ax!" As if in response to this, there is a low growling sound from inside Fangorn Forest. Helga hefts her ax and shakes it menacingly at the trees. "Whatever's in there had better stay in there, if you don't want to be chopped up!"

Aragorn spies Helga approaching. "I'm sorry, friend dwarf, but I believe you're on the wrong show. This is my date and I am supposed to have four women!"

Helga brandishes her ax once more. "You ignorant fool! You know that dwarf women also have beards! Ha! And you call yourself a ranger!"

Aragorn blushes. "Oh my, I'm very sorry! I meant no offense, milady."

Helga puts away her ax and chuckles. "Oh well, no harm done, I suppose."

Helga to camera: I'm telling you right now – no ELF is going to beat me at anything!

Arwen to camera: Oh great…a dwarf. Now the evening is complete. (rolls eyes)

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Stay tuned to see what happens on the first part of the date!

Aragorn looks around. "Now did anyone else hear that, or am I just nuts?"

Daisy, who is right eye-level with his nuts, smirks, "What was the question?"

Aragorn sighs and rolls his eyes. "Never mind." He drags on his pipe again.

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Elimidate will return after this!

A/N: Review! You know you wanna!


	2. Chapter Two: She's Not as Think as You D...

DISCLAIMER: LOTR not mine, Elimidate not mine!! Review!!

ELIMIDATE: MIDDLE EARTH – EPISODE TWO

Chapter Two: Still Round One - "She's Not as Think as You Drunk She Is"

"All right, let's get started everyone," Aragorn says, putting away his pipe. "I think that first, we'll head over to Treebeard's in the Forest here, and have some drinks."

"YAY!" cheers Daisy. She skips cheerfully ahead. Arwen and Eowyn, still glaring at each other, take Aragorn's elbows and lean in as close to him as each possibly can. Aragorn looks uncomfortable. "Um, some air, ladies? Please?!" Helga brings up the rear, still shaking her ax menacingly at what sounds like the trees growling.

Just as Aragorn is starting to turn blue, they arrive at Treebeard's, which proves to be naught more than a clearing in the forest, next to a small pool with a waterfall running into it from some hidden spring. A wooden sign with sloppily painted letters reads "Treebeard's Draughts and Hot Tub". The only places to sit are large roots that poke from the ground.

Daisy looks disappointed. "THIS is Treebeard's? Where's the bar?"

Aragorn points to the waterfall and pool. "There."

Daisy looks at it askance. "That's it? This water is what we're going to drink? You're daft, man!"

Aragorn winks at her. (Arwen and Eowyn look daggers at her.) "Just try it, I promise it's potent!"

Aragorn: I had a hard time convincing Daisy Took that Treebeard's special draught was potent enough for her. She'll see though! It has some interesting after-effects.

Daisy: Eh…we'll see. I'll drink anything! (grins widely and holds up "Old Bessie")

The taller ladies release Aragorn and wait for him to choose a root to sit on. Then they both try to squeeze on with him. They can't all fit, so Eowyn grabs this chance to sit on his lap. Arwen grumbles, and Eowyn sticks her tongue out at her. "Neener."

Arwen to camera: Oh, it's ON now!

Eowyn to camera: (grinning) The elf better BRING it!

Daisy chooses a root right next to the waterfall, where she can reach it easily with "Old Bessie". Helga, still holding her great, sharp ax, tries to sit on a root…but the root makes a growling sound and moves and Helga sits down hard on the ground. She tries again, but the same thing happens. Finally she just gives up and sits cross-legged at Aragorn's feet.

Arwen to camera: Does she have to sit so CLOSE to me? Ick!

Aragorn whistles, and Gandalf the Grey appears, wearing a barwench costume, only where the cleavage should be is an extremely hairy chest. He is carrying a tray of drinking glasses. He sets the tray down, and Aragorn pinches his butt. "Thanks, cutie," he tells Gandalf cheerfully. Gandalf grumbles and acts as though he is going to hit Aragorn with his staff…but then he catches sight of Helga's ax and thinks better of it. Still muttering expletives, he stalks off behind a tree.

Everyone but Daisy takes a glass and dips it under the waterfall (Daisy dips her own). They toast Aragorn's health (like it's necessary) and drink.

The others sip, but Daisy tosses back hers as if it were mere water. "My, but that's good stuff! Better than the Gaffer's home brew!" She fills her tankard again and again.

"I told you." Aragorn watches her with concern. "Don't you worry about drinking too much?"

Daisy waved him off. "Pshaw! My clan is notorious for their tolerance. Besides, we're all so clumsy, it's hard to tell when we've been drinking and when we're sober!" As if to prove her point, she promptly fell off the root she'd been sitting on. She tried to climb back up, and fell again.

Eowyn to camera: Daisy is just a clumsy drunk. No competition there.

Daisy to camera: (a trifle unsteadily) I am NOT a drumsy clunk!

A light dawns in Aragorn's eyes. "By the Valar! So that's where I've heard that name before! Took! You have got to be related to Pippin, to be so drunk and so clumsy!"

Daisy hiccups. "You – hic! – betcha! We're first cousins." She falls over backward, and doesn't get up…just lays there laughing hysterically.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf mutters from behind his tree.

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Who will Aragorn elimidate first?

Arwen to camera: Helga is acting so unladylike! What do you expect from a dwarf? And where is that voice coming from?

Eowyn to camera: I heard it too. I think he should elimidate Daisy. She is too drunk to even sit up straight.

Helga to camera: I think the pointy-eared freak should have to go back to the grey haven from whence she came!

Daisy to camera: Hiccup! (crazy laughter)

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Who will Aragorn cut? Find out, after this!…

Commercial Break…(please review!)


	3. Chapter Three: A Hairy Situation

DISCLAIMER: LOTR not mine, Elimidate not mine!! Review!!

ELIMIDATE: MIDDLE EARTH – EPISODE TWO

Chapter Three: Round Two – "A Hairy Development"

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: We're back on Elimidate, and Aragorn has to eliminate one girl and move on to the next round.

This time, Helga looks around too. "All right, now I heard it." She hefts her axe and shakes it at the trees again. The growling from the trees begins again. "This place is cursed! Milord, where have you brought us?"

Aragorn rolls his eyes. "Helga! Put your axe down! The trees think you're going to chop them with it! It unnerves them."

Helga to camera: (sneers…or maybe she doesn't…hard to tell with that thick beard and mustache.) _I_ unnerve _them_? Sheeyeah right! The only one I want to unnerve is that meddling elf! (She cackles.)

Aragorn to camera: Helga is about to disturb the natural order of this forest…(creepy organ music begins to play in the background) I fear for her life…I fear her facial hair…I fear…_for the rest of the show!_ (a loud chord from the organ!)

"All right already! Enough with the freaky music!" Arwen stood with her hands on her hips, looking as though she dared Aragorn to eliminate her first. "It's time to make your first cut."

Aragorn to camera: I'd like to cut Helga, because she's upsetting the trees, but I can't stand the thought of having to sit through another round with Daisy the Drunken Took!

Aragorn sighs, "Ah, yes. It is. Well, I'm sorry Daisy, but I'm going to have to cut you."

Daisy looks shocked. "What? Cut me? What do I did? I mean, Do I did what? I mean…um…" She scratches her head. "What do I mean?"

Arwen rolls her eyes. "No, stupid! He doesn't mean CUT you, like with a dagger…he means eliminate you from this show. You lose." She grins and waves, mouthing "bye-bye."

Daisy shrugs. "If you say so, but I dill ston't see what's – hic! – wrong with me." She stands and trips over a tree root.

Aragorn hides a smile. "See why? You're too drunk to carry on a decent conversation."

Daisy stands up and puts her hands on Aragorn's shoulders to steady herself. (Arwen and Eowyn look ready to pounce on her for touching him.) "Maybe you're right. I need some coffee…hey, weren't you taller?"

Aragorn gasps. Suddenly, the waist-high Daisy Took is up to his shoulders. "Oh yeah!" Aragorn smacks himself in the forehead. "I forgot – Treebeard's draught makes you taller! It's really for trees, not for people or animals."

Daisy falls over another tree root on her way out of the clearing. She kisses "Old Bessie". "Now he tells me – hic!" And Daisy is out of the picture. Down to three!

Aragorn rubs his hands together. "All righty. Now that the first unpleasantness is out of the way, let's head over to the hot tub!"

Aragorn to camera: I may have to make another cut before we get to the hot tub. I don't really want to see Helga the Hairy scantily clothed!

Arwen to camera: I think he made the right choice for the first cut. Although I hope he cuts the…(sigh)…dwarf next.

Helga to camera: All right! A hot tub! I forgot my bathing suit, though…(winks slyly)

They troop across the clearing and start to head down a freshly cut path. Suddenly the trees start to close in around them.

"Eek!" shrieks Eowyn, jumping up into Aragorn's arms. "What's happening?"

Arwen pulls her hair hard enough to drag her off of Aragorn. "Enough!"

"Owie!" sulks Eowyn, rubbing her head.

Helga deftly hefts her axe again. "All right, this has gone far enough!" She begins to hack away at the moving trees. One tries to use a branch shaped like a hand to pull the axe away from her, but Helga chops the branch off. The tree makes a loud moaning sound.

Aragorn is looking frightened. "We mean you no harm! We come in peace! Uh…she's not with us!"

Helga looks at him in surprise. "What?" She forgets to chop and a branch grabs her by the ankle and dangles her in the air. She turns her attention back to the tree, and manages to chop herself loose. She turns back to Aragorn. "What do you mean I'm not with you?"

Aragorn is looking panicky, but he notices that Eowyn and Arwen have once again stationed themselves at his sides very closely. He obviously likes this. "Who are you again?" he asks Helga.

Helga casts him a shrewd glance. "I see how it is with you." She starts toward the threesome, brandishing her axe menacingly. "I will chop all of you down to my eye-level!"

Suddenly, a large tree-like foot stomps Helga flat!

Arwen to camera: (gleefully) Wow! What a date this is!

Eowyn looks up in alarm. "What is this? What is happening?"

The tree looks at her. "Hoom! I am called Treebeard!" his deep growling voice says very slowly.

Arwen looks up in awe. "The Keeper of the Forest! He is as old as this place."

Treebeard looks at her angrily. "Are you calling me old?" He makes as if to stomp on her too, but Aragorn pulls her out of the way just in time.

"Oops!" says Arwen, hiding a smile.

Arwen to camera: All right, that was a close one…but I'm still in this game!

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Who will Aragorn, son of Arathorn, eliminate next? Stay tuned to find out, here on…ELIMIDATE!

Treebeard looks around quickly (as quickly as an Ent can). "What is this? Little orcs?" He stomps off to find where the voice is coming from.

Arwen to camera: Now, it's just down to me and Eowyn. She doesn't have a chance!

Eowyn to camera: That elf is gonna go DOWN! (Cracks knuckles and does karate chop)

Aragorn to camera: That was close, with Treebeard. But, on to the hot tub, with two hot ladies! What a date, indeed! (grins like the Cheshire Cat)

STAY TUNED…REVIEW, DARN IT!  


	4. Chapter Four: She Wore an Itsy Bitsy Tee...

A/N: This chapter is a little long, but it's the final chapter in this story. If I get good enough reviews, I might do another Elimidate…with Leggy, or even with Eowyn getting to choose between 4 guys! Who knows? The Shadow knows… R/R!

DISCLAIMER: Neither LOTR nor Elimidate are mine!! (Darn it!)

ELIMIDATE: MIDDLE EARTH – EPISODE TWO

Chapter Four: Round Three – "She Wore an Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny…"

VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Welcome back to Elimidate! We're still in Middle Earth, and let's see who Aragorn will elimi---

STOMP!!!!

Treebeard steps out from behind a tree. "Got him this time. Stupid little orcs. Always trying to overrun my forest and scare my trees." He scrapes his foot on a rock, like he's scraping off chewing gum.

Eowyn to camera: Um…that is a little sickening!

Aragorn shrugs, then he smiles. "Thanks, Treebeard. That voice was getting a little creepy."

Treebeard nods. "Yes, Elessar. Now if you will excuse me, I have an Ent-moot, and I must go talk slowly! Hoom!" And with that, Treebeard stalks off (pardon the pun ) into the forest.

Aragorn turns his head to either side, where Arwen and Eowyn are still on his arms. "Shall we? To the hot tub!"

Arwen to camera: Yay! The hot tub! Now I can blow him away with my incredible body!

Aragorn to camera: If I'm lucky, the girls will have forgotten they were supposed to bring swimsuits. (winks)

The group rounds a corner. The hot tub turns out to be a hot spring, which empties into a bathtub-sized pool of water. Aragorn claps his hands twice, and a quiet cough comes from behind a tree next to the pool. Then the pool begins to bubble invitingly.

"Ah!" exclaims Aragorn, as he drops his clothes to reveal white boxers with pink hearts on them.

Eowyn to camera: (shaking her head in disgust) Oh, how ridiculous!

Arwen to camera: (clasping her hands together) Oh, how cute!

Aragorn to camera: Yeah, I think I had the ladies drooling over my new shorts. Heh, we'll just have to see how it goes from here!

Aragorn slides into the hot tub, where he can get a good view of what the ladies have on. Eowyn discards her dress, to reveal a bikini made of brown leather. Arwen is wearing a bikini made of mallorn leaves sewn together, in just the right places.

Aragorn looks like the cat who swallowed the canary.

Aragorn to camera: Oh yeah, these girls are hot! (thumbs up!) 

Eowyn to camera: Oh, please, who makes a bikini out of leaves?

Arwen to camera: I think her bikini is appropriate – a cow wearing a cow.

The girls slide in next to Aragorn and proceed to cut each other to ribbons.

"Who do you think you are? Peter Pan? I mean, leaves?" Eowyn gloats.

Arwen to camera: Peter who?

"Peter who? You're no Martha Stewart yourself, raw-hide!" Arwen shoots back.

Eowyn to camera: Martha who?

"Martha who? Leaf-girl!"

Aragorn is watching them like a tennis match.

"Oh yeah?" Eowyn counters. "You're not even human! Why should he want you?"

"Well, I'm much prettier than you, and he's already HAD me!" Arwen shouts.

Arwen to camera: Yeah, it was low…but it was true!

Eowyn grabs her by the hair. "Oh, it's ON, now!" She dunks Arwen.

Arwen grabs the front of her bikini and tugs her down too.

Eowyn takes Arwen by the hair again and pulls out the Evenstar. She tries to stab Arwen with it.

Arwen to camera: She has tainted my Evenstar! She must die!

Arwen manages to take her pendant back, and slings her hair around to smack Eowyn in the face with it. Her hair is wet, so it hurts.

"Ow!" Eowyn cried, holding her reddening cheek. "You {CENSORED}!!" She dunks her again and this time holds her underwater.

Eowyn to camera: Can you say that on TV? Oops! (grins mischievously) 

Aragorn is sitting back with a Mai Tai cocktail, watching the action blissfully.

Aragorn to camera: Ah, the joys of being King! 

Arwen wrenches herself loose and comes up for air with a gasp. "Oh, now you've gone too far!" She hurls herself on Aragorn and kisses him for all she's worth.

Aragorn looks surprised, but doesn't pull away. In fact, he seems to be enjoying it.

Eowyn to camera: Oh no, she doesn't! 

Eowyn yanks her off of him by the back of her swimsuit. "Two can play at this, elf!" She plants a firm one on him as well.

Aragorn finally pulls away, and sighs.

Aragorn to camera: It is good to be King! 

 Regretfully, he sits up a little. "You're both great kissers. However, it is time for me to make the final cut, and decide which of you goes home with me, and which one goes home alone."

Arwen smiles and fixes her hair. Eowyn adjusts her bathing suit, and rubs her red cheek again.

Arwen to camera: I totally showed her up. There is no way he'll pick her. 

Eowyn to camera: I cannot have lost to an elf! 

Aragorn pauses for effect. "I choose……Arwen."

Eowyn apparently has water in her ears, for she doesn't hear that she is cut. "Oh, Milord Aragorn! You don't mean it! Oh, thank you, thank you!" She hugs him. "Oh, I shall make you very happy!"

"WHAT?!" shouts Arwen. "You? He just chose me!"

"Oh yeah? Well…" She stops short, shocked. Eowyn looks at Aragorn. "Is this true?"

Aragorn hangs his head and nods sheepishly.

Eowyn to camera: I have been humiliated. I must go to the healing houses at Minas Tirith and hope that my pride can be healed. 

Eowyn splashes him angrily. "WHAT?! You would dare to eliminate me? I am royalty! You would pick an elf over me?!" She hops out of the pool and starts getting dressed.

Arwen smirks at her over Aragorn's head.

Aragorn starts to get out of the pool. "Now wait a minute here! No sore losers, please!"

Eowyn pushes him back in. "You made your choice, if you want to be with that elven witch, then go right ahead. Good luck and good day, your Majesty!" She starts to leave…then turns around for a final slam: "And your boxers are retarded!" With that, she marches off through the woods in the direction of Minas Tirith.

Aragorn shrugs and pulls Arwen out of the tub. She smiles and they embrace for another kiss. "You are always who I have dreamed of. Even in the depths of despair and pain, your face was the one I would see above me, comforting me."

Arwen pushes a wet lock of hair out of his eyes. "I never thought your boxers were dumb. I thought they were cute." She gestures at the camera. "You can watch it later and see for yourself."

"How?" asks Aragorn. "None of this equipment has been invented yet!" They laugh hysterically and walk off together into the forest.

As they are leaving the clearing, a loud, hacking cough is heard from behind the same tree that was mentioned earlier, and abruptly the bubbles in the pool stop. Radagast the Brown steps out from behind the tree with a long straw in his hand. He tosses it aside and wipes his mouth. "Enough of this! No wonder the Blue Wizards got out of here so quickly!" He walks wearily from the pool and disappears into the Forest.

End

A/N: You knew Arwen was going to win! She had to! Besides, I was nice: I set Eowyn up to be in the healing houses of Minas Tirith, cause she has to meet you-know-who there! It works in my mind! LOL. Review!

Orlandosgirl21 – Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like these stories!


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